Bar Etiquette

Now I'm an unmarried mid-20 something, with various job opportunities.  If television teaches me anything, I should have my own sit-com, with crazy characters, and a very hot neighbour I will someday hook up with.  Not only will I have a steady income, but I will be able to sit around a bar, and bitch about all the "important things in my life".  Like how I have 'intregrity', and I won't sell my soul just because my unbelievably hot employer asked me to have sex with her to get a raise. 

Unfortunately I don't have these problems.  I do sit around in a bar, and observe many other people's weekend rituals of trying to drink their body weight in alcohol, and smoke way too much cannabis, in an attempt to appeal to the fairer sex.  Guys try a little bit harder than girls.  Because girls are the gatekeepers of sex. 

(for a guy to get laid, he not only needs to be clean, well spoken, smell good, dress well, have friends, be able to drive, hold his liquor, be funny, and have a fake job.  the only thing a girl needs to get laid is to say yes.) 

Now amongst all the different personalities, each person with their own stories, jokes, drink preferences, backstories; we are all a aggregation of what we've been through in the past.  It's not how we act thats going to seal the deal with anyone else.  Be it, meeting new friends, engaging in intriguing conversation, or gittin' yo freaky tryst on with another fellow human. 

But there should also be a certain amount of respect, and dignity we all show to one another in these situations.  First and foremost... Tipping!  In the past 5 years, I've worked in various fields of work.  Casinos, Restaurants, Factories, Construction sites, Telemarketting, Data Entry, Warehouses, and the Service Industry.  I've noticed one thing.  A lot of places I've worked will give you a cost of living raise in pay at the beginning of each year.  But not in the service industry. 

These waiters, and waitresses are always paid the minimum wage wherever I go.  So I tend to tip very well.  They will work their fingers to the bone, just to make ends meet.  Yes, they are all physically attractive.  But the better ones are also competent.  These individuals know how to treat customers, and which ones will tip better than others.  It's what they do for a living.  This is how they pay their rent, buy their groceries, and clothe their illegitimate children.  I tip a buck a drink.  Drinks are usually expensive enough I always make sure I pay my bills, and rent, and buy groceries before going out.  If not, I usually change my priorities at 2am.  I might not always remember what my address is, but I can always remember my PIN to my bank card. 

2, The doorman is always your friend.  You might not always get along with your friends, but hey, you've been drinking, and that nullifies all of your actions and opinions.  A sober bouncer will always trump a drunken fool.  If they say leave, just go home.  I always sit around and bullshit with the bouncers before the club actually gets going.  That way, if I leave and check out some other place where the drinks are cheaper, or the women are dressed scantillier, I always have the confidence of a bouncer at first bar for last call.  I find myself bribing more doorman, now that I have no identification.  Which sucks balls.  Damn wallet theft!! 

But I digress.  3, Hooters is not a real man's restaurant.  This is like guys who are afraid to buy real pornography and opt for Maxim.  If you want to see tits, go to a stripper.  Earl's hires just a pretty waitresses, who wear skin tight clothing.  Get over the fact that they are gorgeous, and quit flirting with them.  What is the point?  You really want to date a girl who makes tips by shaking her ass?  Do you want her buying you a nice shirt with all loonies?  Or a casual hook up?  If she's really that easy to go home with a patron who over-tips, and speaks loud so that everyone knows he just got a raise, or he's going into a new lucritive business model.  blah blah.  Either way, she's prolly gone home with many other guys in the past, and hasn't learnt her lesson.  Or she just found another cold sore on her hooch, and she wants to share it. 

Unfortunately before I get through this list, I have some running around to do before this Friday night gets off to a start without me.  I will have many many more.  So keep checkin' in on me.  Don't forget to miss me!